I‘m engaged to a woman who converted long before we met. Her home is kosher. She’s in shul regularly, doesn’t work on Shabbat, and has given me a window on Jewish life that my parents didn’t. My secular parents who never kept kosher, observed Shabbat, or went to synagogue insist my fiancée is not really Jewish, and that I should marry a “real” Jewish girl. How should I respond?

A Jewish businessman warns his son: “Don’t marry that non-Jewish woman!” The son says, “But, Dad, she’s converting!” “It doesn’t matter,” his father replies. “Marrying a non-Jew always causes problems.” One Saturday, weeks after the wedding, the father calls the son – they’re in business together – and asks him why he’s not at the store. The son: “It’s Shabbes, Dad – I don’t work on Shabbes anymore!” “See! See!” the father shouts. “I told you that marrying a non-Jew would cause problems!”

Historically, Jews overcame ambivalence toward converts and even expressed admiration for anyone who chose Judaism sincerely. Some texts even say that converts should be considered as more beloved by God than those born as Jews. In the ancient Midrash collection called Yalkut Shimoni (Emor 645),  Moses asks God: “Master of the Universe, is a convert the equal of a Levite to You?” God replies:

“To Me, he is greater, for he converted for My Name’s sake ... He is like a deer that grew up in the wilderness, yet freely came and mingled with the sheep. The shepherd would give it better food and drink, and favor it more than his own sheep. They asked the shepherd: ‘Do you favor this deer more than your own sheep?’ He answered: ‘What trouble have I gone to on behalf of my sheep! Until they grew up, I had to lead them out in the morning and gather them towards evening. This deer grew up in deserts and forests and, on its own, came to join my sheep. It is for this reason I favour him.’”

Sincere converts living committed Jewish lives often make “born Jews” who’ve become “invisibly Jewish” uncomfortable. “Invisibly Jewish” Jews are good people who even keep their love for Judaism alive. So what’s the problem with sincere converts? It’s that there’s nothing so disturbing as encountering someone who’s found a treasure that you’ve overlooked all your life or given up finding.

In speaking to your parents or anyone else rejecting Jews-by-choice, remind them that being a Jew is not genetic. (Remember the biblical Ruth, the first “convert” – who becomes the great-grandmother of King David?) Remind them that Jews constitute a religious civilization shaped by beliefs and practices of all Jews. Remind them that Judaism belongs to those who practice it.

Encourage them to praise rather than dismiss sincere converts for taking seriously what too many of our people have neglected or abandoned.

And congratulations on meeting someone whose love is both courageous and big enough to embrace not only you but God, the Jewish people, and all our history.

Do you have a question you would like answered in this column? Email information@shaareyzedek.mb.ca.